


Rose Tint My World

by Janamelie



Category: Red Dwarf, Rocky Horror Picture Show
Genre: M/M, semi-crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/974039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Red Dwarf fic, but as it involves the characters watching Rocky Horror I'm cross-posting it. </p><p>Depressed after being forced to give up his children, Lister seeks a diversion in an old vid from the latest mail pod.  It turns out to have unforeseen consequences for himself and Rimmer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Knowledge of "Rocky Horror" is not required to understand this fic, but is recommended for your own enjoyment.
> 
> If you're not familiar with "Red Dwarf", Lister is the last human being alive, trapped in space three million years in the future with a hologram of his dead bunkmate Rimmer, a highly evolved descendant of his cat, a mechanoid called Kryten and the Red Dwarf ship's computer, Holly.
> 
> He recently gave birth to twin sons Jim and Bexley (yes, m-preg is canon in this show), but had to send them to live with their "father" (a female version of himself) in the parallel dimension they were conceived in as being in the wrong dimension caused them to age rapidly.
> 
> Don't be put off - it's a comedy. :)

"Ah, Listy. Have you slobbed enough for today yet? Maybe a nap before your evening slob? You'll need enough energy to stay up until four or five in the morning, after all."

There was no response from the Scouser. Not so much as an eyeroll.

"Now look, miladdo. I know it's a shame about-" - Rimmer hesitated and lowered his voice slightly - "-the boys, but you had no choice. I'm sure they'll settle eventually with Deb and that awful woman. I mean-"

"You really are a prize smeghead, aren't ya? Even when you try to be nice you stuff it up."

The older man's nostrils flared. "Never mind. I don't know why I bothered. All I'm saying is, you can't mope forever. Time to pull yourself together."

Turning sharply on his heel, he left the bunkroom, adding over his shoulder: "If anyone wants me, I'll be supervising the skutters, doing some actual work".

Lister flicked a V-sign at his retreating back and mumbled "Lock!" at the bunkroom door.

 

 

He dragged his legs over the edge of his bunk, landed awkwardly and cursed. Cracking open a can of Leopard, he took a long gulp and sighed.

It wasn't just that he missed the twins; he missed the sense of purpose they'd given his life. Reading up on babies in the women's mags he'd originally started reading out of boredom and found strangely addictive. Frantically repairing Kryten as the prospect of giving birth with no tangible help bar Cat and the skutters had loomed. Transforming the next door bunkroom into a nursery with the mechanoid's eager assistance.

And now they were gone, leaving him with a redundant nursery and a still recovering body. He remembered his teenage "Fat Boy" nickname with a shudder. Give Rimmer his due, at least he hadn't gone there. Yet.

 

 

There was a tentative knock at the door. "Mr Lister, sir? Your chicken vindaloo, with extra spices and naan bread."

He picked at his meal as the mechanoid hovered anxiously. "Sir, is there anything I can do to cheer you up? I really don't like seeing you so down."

"Not unless you can bring me kids back," Lister muttered, then regretted it as the mechanical face fell. "Yeah. Tell ya what, when I've eaten this we'll go and have another look through that last mail pod. I was so excited about those Zero-G vids that I didn't look properly at all the stuff."

 

 

Cat was napping in the Drive Room as they arrived, but was soon alert as he realised what they were doing. He pounced on anything remotely shiny while Lister scanned the titles of each vid he found until he read an unfamiliar title.

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Sounds interesting."

"Would you like me to look it up in my movie database, sir?"

"Nah, I'd rather be surprised. Anything with rock and horror in it sounds like my cup of tea."

 

 

_**"And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear / Claude Rains was the Invisible Man..."** _

"What the smeg is this?!"

Lister paused the singing scarlet lips and glared at the hologram.  "An old vid from that last mail pod.  What's it to you?  Aren't you busy doing "actual work"?"

Rimmer drew himself up.  "I was, but those stupid skutters insisted on a break.  They have no respect for my authority whatsoever."

"Well, either sit down and watch this or smeg off.  How're we supposed to concentrate with you standing there?"

"I don't know why you'd want to.  This looks decadent in the extreme."  He paused.  "I suppose it's therefore my duty as your superior to watch in a supervisory capacity."

Lister rolled his eyes.  Cat waved an elegant hand.  "Whatever.  Just sit down, Goalpost-head".

 

 

**_"The river was deep but I swam it / Janet..."_ **

"Oh, eh?  It's a proper musical then.  Thought that was just the credits song."

"I can't stand musicals.  If you've got something to say, just say it.  No need to make such a to-do about it."

"Think you're kinda missing the point-"

"What a goofball."  Cat laughed as, onscreen, Brad dropped the ring he was offering to Janet, his starry-eyed girlfriend.

"She doesn't seem to mind.  They're pretty much as nerdy as each other," Lister pointed out, amused.

The scene shifted abruptly to a stuffy looking office.  An equally stuffy looking middle-aged man launched into a speech which had Cat fidgeting impatiently and reaching for the popcorn.  His attention returned as crackling sound effects of thunder signalled another scene change.   The newly engaged couple drove an elderly car through a rain-lashed night.

Rimmer snorted.  "Why do I have the feeling this isn't going to go well?"

_**"Yes, Janet.  Life's pretty cheap to that type."** _

"Bikers?  Stuck-up git."

Rimmer's prediction was swiftly confirmed.  A flat tyre caused the naive couple to seek a telephone at the nearest residence.  The hologram scoffed as this proved to be a sinister castle.  "Could this be any more cliched?"

"Come on, man, it's a laugh.  I think it's meant to be a spoof."

 

 

The couple followed the gaunt butler inside.  Kryten broke his respectful silence.  "Oh, my goodness.  Look at all those cobwebs!  What are the staff **thinking**?"

"If they're all like him, I doubt they give a smeg, Krytes."

As if to underline the point, a maid with a wild mane of red curls and heavy eyeliner made a dramatic entrance, almost causing Janet to faint on the spot.

**_"You're lucky.  He's lucky.  I'm lucky.  We're all lucky!"_** She chuckled huskily as she slid down a banister and tossed her feather duster to the butler.  A killer riff began building as the pair burst into song.

**_"I remember doing the Time Warp / Drinking those moments when..."_ **

"Hey, rock'n'roll!"  Lister jiggled in his seat as the action shifted to a ballroom crowded with people of various ethnicities, sizes and shapes.  All were clad in casual black suits with touches of colour such as neck ties and sashes, and all wore sunglasses, bringing a sense of uniformity to the otherwise seemingly disparate group.

**_"Let's do the Time Warp again / Let's do the Time Warp again..."_ **

The number passed in a blur of cheerful pelvic thrusting, enthusiastic tap dancing and incongruous instructions from the buttoned up narrator, ending as all the partygoers threw themselves to the floor.  Silence fell.

"Cool."   Lister grinned.

_**"Brad, please.  Let's just get out of here."** _

During the song, the couple had surreptitiously backed towards the ballroom entrance, but it had ended before they could make their escape.  With their backs to the lift in the hallway, they failed to notice that someone was travelling down in it.

Insistent beats ramped up the tension as the lift's unseen occupant tapped sparkly, vertiginous heels in time to the music.

"Nice shoes!  Is this gonna be one of those hot vampire babes?"

This time Janet did faint as she caught sight of the newcomer, who coolly slid open the lift door in one graceful movement as the next song began.

_**"How d'you do huh / I see you've met my / faithful handyman..."** _

"Hang on.  Is that a...?"

Lister stared hard at the singer.  A young - man?  Woman?  It didn't help that their body was completely covered by a shiny black cape, so he had only the face to go on.  A longish mop of black curls, a small nose and HOW much makeup?  Must've taken hours.

All this time, the singer had been striding down the red carpet leading to a raised platform at the other end of the room.  Posing in front of a throne, they suddenly flung their cape on to it with maximum dramatic effect.

"Holy smeg!"  The Dwarfers goggled at the man's - for it was a man, that was now obvious - outfit.  A glittery black basque, knickers, stockings and suspenders.  And not much else apart from matching elbow gloves.

"Hey, dude's got style!"

Rimmer got to his feet.  "I'm not watching this."

"What?  C'mon man.  It's just a bloke in women's undies."

But Lister's words fell on deaf ears as the hologram made a hasty exit.


	2. Chapter 2

At Cat's insistence, they rewound the "Sweet Transvestite" number (as Lister mentally dubbed it), so the feline could appreciate the strutting and posing once more.

"He must be part Cat. That exit was almost worthy of me."

The bloke definitely had charisma, Lister mused. The way he drew all eyes in the room to him - and not only because of the garish makeup. He looked good, yeah, but he also had the confidence and grace of a born star.

_Reminds me of Lenny Giatti._

Giatti had been the leading light of the "Sham Glam" movement which had inspired Lister to form a band in his mid-teens.

 

"Smeggin' hell, I'm not drunk enough for this." Lister snapped back the tab of can number four as Frank'n'Furter chased his almost nude creation around the viewing platform of his laboratory, cackling maniacally.

"Why doesn't he take his shoes off? Never gonna catch him like that." He winced at the memory of the blisters he'd suffered from the platform boots he'd doggedly worn in imitation of his idol.

"And mess up the ensemble? Bud, you don't have a clue."

"Hey, a broken ankle'll mess it up a whole lot more." He had to admit though, Frank wore heels as though they were a part of him.

 

**_"Whatever happened to Saturday night / When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright..."_ **

"Rock and roll!"

Cat sighed disapprovingly as Lister leapt from his seat and danced to the rock tune pumping from the screen. "You monkeys have no dignity."

 

"Hot patootie, bless my soul / I really love that rock'n'roll..."

"Pause!"

"Hey!" The attempt at a tune which Lister had been valiantly picking out on his latest battered guitar fizzled out.

"It's been four hours. You can't seriously tell me this is still going on."

"Nah, just trying to learn this song. Rocking tune."

Rimmer glared at the freeze-frame of Frank as though it had insulted him. "Off! Some of us would like some sleep tonight."

"Aw, don't be like that, man. You missed a great film. Mad, but cool as smeg."

"I have no interest in films like that, thank you."

Yeah, right. Lister eyed the hologram's slender fingers clenching and unclenching. "Then you don't wanna know what happened?"

"Certainly not."

Eyes dark with mischief, Lister began counting on his fingers. "First, they went up to his lab and watched the creation of his sex slave - a muscleman in these tiny gold shorts. Then this biker crashed into the lab, sang the song I'm learning and got bludgeoned to death by the bloke in stockings. Then Frank - stocking bloke, I mean - seduced Janet, who was a virgin, by the way. Then he went to Brad's room and seduced him too - this was after he'd shagged Rocky-"

"SHUT UP!!!"

Shocked, he looked up to see a frankly petrified expression on his bunkmate's face. Was he actually shaking?

"Calm down, I'm just yanking your chain."

"You mean you're making it up?"

Lister looked Rimmer directly in the eyes. "No."

Rimmer twitched and averted his gaze. "Time for bed." A slow flush began creeping up his neck. "Time to sleep."

It was just too easy, Lister reflected.

Still buzzing from the evening's events, he swung onto the top bunk. It didn't take long for an idea to pop into his head. Suppressing a chuckle, he drifted off looking positively angelic.

 

When Rimmer scrambled guiltily out of bed early the following afternoon, he found a carelessly scribbled note.

"Gone to mall with C and K. Inspired by last night's film, but didn't think ya'd be interested. See ya tonight, smegger."

 

"Are you sure, sir?"

"Sure I'm sure, Krytes. I'll be just fine. You go with Cat. See you in a few hours."

"Come on, Butterpat Head! This is a sartorial emergency!"

Cat headed off with impatient strides. Kryten grabbed the largest trolley he could find and followed.

 

The mall was large - after all, it had been built for a crew of over a thousand - but fairly utilitarian. The planners had presumably imagined that the employees of a mining ship were unlikely to be particularly interested in high end fashion. Not that that bothered Cat, who simply raided each clothes shop in turn and customised outfits to fit his own tastes. Various soft furnishings such as curtains had also been put to good use.

Lister had only been here a couple of times before. Not only did it take the best part of a day to get to, there hadn't been much point before the accident, when all of his spare cash had gone towards Fiji. Afterwards, the prospect of the echoing, deserted complex had simply been too depressing.

He shook his head. Enough negative smeg.

He stepped off the escalator towards the most interesting part of the place, at least as far as he was concerned.

 

"No stockings for you then, Cat?"

The feline shot him an incredulous glance. "You kidding me, bud? This body's already devastating. If I start walking around half naked, nobody on this tin can will be able to focus on anything else."

 

Lister voice-activated the bunkroom door and beheld a suspiciously pink Rimmer leafing through a holo-book that could have doubled as a doorstop. He manoeuvred his laden trolley to a halt and spoke in the direction of the vid screen. "On!"

I knew it. He watched the hologram's face turn an interesting shade of crimson as the film restarted at a completely different scene to the one in which Lister had left it.

_If it was anyone else they'd just shrug it off. What kind of a smegging place was Io, anyway?_


	3. Fic: Rose Tint My World (3/3) (PG-13)

"Cool, innit?"

"What?"

Lister gestured at the swimming pool orgy unfolding on the screen. "This film you're watching."

"I've no idea what you're talking about." Rimmer still hadn't looked up from his book.

_OK, Rimmer. O-KAY._

 

 

Lister walked carefully into the bunkroom, a mischievous grin plastered on his face. He'd eschewed a basque, figuring that suspenders and heels would be more than enough to get a rise out of Rimmer. Not to mention that he really couldn't be faffed messing about with those fiddly looking strings; the stockings and frilly ... belt thing had been tricky enough.

"So this is me new get-up. What do you think?"

He savoured the moment as Rimmer casually glanced at him and did a double take.

But the moment passed. He grew uneasy as Rimmer kept staring. He'd anticipated a shocked tirade or scornful laughter, not this silent scrutiny.

"Now, Hol!"

He watched Rimmer's eyes widen in horror as his plain beige JMC uniform was replaced by something far more striking.

Lister gaped. Rimmer looked ... good.

Holly had duplicated Frank'n'Furter's "Sweet Transvestite" outfit. A purple-black basque which clung to the hologram like a second skin, ripped fishnets and black and white stilettos which enhanced his already long legs.

He waited for Rimmer to speak. And waited.

Rimmer attempted to stride purposefully towards the door and tottered. Scarlet, he managed to regain his balance and painstakingly made his exit, blanking Lister completely. But he wasn't quite quick enough for Lister not to notice that there was more to the awkwardness of his gait than simply being unused to walking in high heels.

_Oh ... smegging ... SMEG!_

"Uh, Hol, change him back, will ya?"

He locked the door and started tearing off his own stockings, resolutely refusing to think about how good Rimmer's bum had looked in those close-fitting knickers.

At least she'd spared him the makeup, he tried to console himself.

 

 

Several hours later, he told himself to stop being chicken and went in search of the hologram. He panted his way to the top of the staircase leading up to the Observation Dome. To his complete lack of surprise, Rimmer was gazing moodily out into space.

 

 

"Um, hi." Not so much as a grunt.

"Look man, I'm sorry. I just wanted to get ya to admit you liked it."

"The film, I mean."

He craned his neck and tried to read Rimmer's expression. Why was the goit so tall? _Because his loopy Dad stretched him on a rack as a kid. Who wouldn't be smegged up?_

"I haven't told Cat or Kryten. And I won't. Word of honour." Was that a slight twitch?

"This is me real new outfit."

Rimmer favoured him with a glance. "You look like a kid who's raided a costume shop."

Lister grimaced and shrugged. "I'll grow into it. It's not finished, anyway."

Another silence, but this one felt less icy to Lister.

"Look man, I've been thinking." He waited for the obligatory snort and let it pass.

"Maybe we could do with a break from each other." At that, Rimmer swivelled round.

"It's stupid living on top of each other when we've got the whole ship. I'm gonna move into one of the Officer's digs. You won't have to put up with me playing me guitar at all hours."

"Oh no, you don't."

"Eh?"

"You think I'm going to rattle around that excuse for a bunkroom whilst you're enjoying the lap of luxury? I'm coming too."

"Well - sure, if you want to. Didn't think you would."

"And pass up the chance to live like an officer? Don't be a gimboid."

 

 

Lister finished sewing another patch onto his leather jacket and inspected it critically. He was in danger of overdoing it - it was already festooned with badges - but he was enjoying himself so much he didn't want to stop. He'd forgotten how much fun something like this could be - it was the only reason he'd toyed with the idea of art college. He wondered for a moment how his life would have turned out if he'd been better at getting up in the morning, then shrugged. _What's done is done._

Out of the corner of his eye, he registered Rimmer in the doorway. Something was different.

"Ah, this is better, Listy. New quarters, new uniform. A fresh start all round."

The hologram was clad in an iridescent dark green tunic with some kind of gold badge on the left breast and matching trousers. What really drew Lister's attention, though, was the ludicrous thing on his head. It put him in mind of an ancient puppet programme he and Cat occasionally watched when they were really bored.

"Smart." He bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Rimmer almost smiled. "That's exactly what I thought. I'm going to show the others."

He span on his heel and headed down the corridor with an unusual spring in his step.

 

 

Relieved, Lister let out the snort of laughter he'd been holding back, then went to the oversized shopping trolley which still contained a few items from his marathon raid on the Red Dwarf mall. Kryten had insisted on hanging his newly acquired shirts and trousers in his spacious new wardrobe, but the various accessories he'd grabbed from the World Of Leather shop had been left out at his request.

His note to Rimmer had been purposely misleading, but technically true. Frank's leather jacket had provided the basic model for his own. Fingerless gloves had also caught his imagination, although he'd gone for studded motorcycle ones in place of Frank's purple elbow lengths.

Fishing around in the trolley's base, he came across a last minute addition he'd forgotten about. A "Rocky Horror" postcard depicting its star posing gleefully.

He climbed the step ladder to his bunk, removed a bit of Blu-Tack from behind one of his posters and added the postcard to his bunk wall. His eye fell on the polaroid of his beaming recent self holding Jim and Bexley.

_I won't forget you, lads. Ever. One day, I'll get you back somehow._

He calculated how long Rimmer was likely to be away. Cat had been AWOL for some time. Should be long enough.

Fetching the "Rocky Horror" vid from its hiding place, he put it in and rewound to the beginning of the song that was currently tied with the "Saturday Night" one for his favourite.

An uncharacteristically emotional, blue eyeshadow-streaked Frank was pleading with his rebellious servants for his life by singing a torch song. _**"On the day I went away / Goodbye-ye-ye / Was all I had to say..."**_

Lister joined in with vigour, singing the final lines with particular feeling.

"'Cause I've seen - oh! / Blue skies / Through the tears in my eyes / And I realise / I'm going home / I'm going home / I'm ... going ... ho-oo-oome."

 

**THE END**

 

 

_Frank's jacket:_ <https://weheartit.com/entry/76804491/via/mon_mon24601>

_Lister's jacket:_ <http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/features/history/evolution-of-listers-costumes/listers-costumes-9l.jpg>

 

_The "Rocky Horror" postcard over Lister's bunk is canon. It can be seen in this still:_ <http://textsfromthedwarf.tumblr.com/post/53944709662>


End file.
